i don't understand why this paranoia has got a hold on me again.
Satan has seriously had some fun messing with my mind lately, and maybe because i've been letting him.

it's crazy.
i don't want this.

some of my most vivid childhood memories are from me lying in bed, in the dark, daydreaming in a sense because i was awake. but crying silently to myself because i had just envisioned my parents being killed in front of me. now that i have a sister, it's always jackie who's the most frequent victim.
and it's always either some psychopathic thief who sneaks into our house at night and then hold my family hostage at gun point, or it's some some mob who wants something from us that we don't have and is threatening our lives. but, like in the movies, once they find out we don't have it, they kill us anyway.
and i form these little scenarios where i beg my captives to kill me. kill me, don't hurt my family. and that's usually when the tears form. and i'm pleading in my mind, and crying and forming the words and expressions on my face as if it were really happening. and i'd soak my pillow.

even when i was really little.

and just last night, i was trying to imagine what it would be like to be buried alive.
like if some weird poison was slipped into my drink and caused me to lose a tangible sign of life, and then was later buried. then, i'd wake up in my coffin, with no room to move and with no air to breathe. [mental, i know]

what would i do?

this question caused me to stay awake until 2 in the morning.
at first i was thinking maybe i could make some sort of incision in the box and the top and dig my way up, but then i realized that all that dirt had to go somewhere.
and what if there was a cave in?
then i'd suffocate. and the top most undesirable ways to die on my list are suffocation and torture.

then i thought, hey.
what if i start from the side? and just shift the dirt to one side as i dig through the other? then if it caves in, it won't go ontop of me.
another fail idea. i thought about it for a while and it doesn't make sense.

then i wondered if people could hear you if you screamed. and i found myself desperately hoping that my family would come and visit my grave the day right after the funeral.
then i wondered if my oxygen supply would be enough to last me that long.

and today, i wonder if you were stuck in some place, like the extreme cold [mountains] or the extreme hot [desert] and had no water. would you drink your own urine? i just can't imagine it. and when i try to, it makes me sick.

as does all of this. these thoughts just make me sick.
and i know these things that happen are the result of our human sin. this is all the devil.
i can feel him planting these ideas into my head just to scare me. to create doubts within me about how God could possibly help me out of situations such as those. where there is nothing to be done and everything to lose.

i know this. and i can say it well.
but could i go through something like this, and still remember Him in the midst of it all?
actually, there's a fair chance i would, because isn't it in the hardest times that we tend to turn back towards Him?

or, would i get so scared.
i'd throw everything away and do something like commit suicide?
it's a credible thought, although now i would never EVER think of such a thing.

but to make up these ridiculous fake scenarios, i feel like i've gone mental...

LORD - i know You're there.
i know You see all these horrible, horrible things that go on in this world of ours.
how twisted and insane everything is.
the stuff that happens to people, the stuff people do to other people, and the things that people put upon themselves.
it's just disgusting.
how can You even bear to look? let alone love us? love us enough to die for us, knowing that our hearts are so evil that we'll just shrug it off and continue killing ourselves in spirit and body?

even if You had just died for no reason, it would have been more logical that to have died for...us. me.
it's so not fair.

but i guess that's the beauty of it all.
it wasn't fair. yet You did it anyway.

and as much as i'd like to scream WHY? WHY?
and tear apart my mind trying to figure out the logic, i know it's only because of Your love.

and God, i love You. yet this makes sense, because who wouldn't?
after all this.
after all this?
but why would You love me? us?
my love. our love. could completely consume our daily lives. we could throw away EVERYTHING. and it still wouldn't be enough. you deserve so much more.

but You gave us everything. everything we have is Yours. we can't give You anything. because it's already Yours.

BUT WHY.
why is it that Your love it so infinite towards us?
why would You do such a thing?
what a waste.

but, i guess it's because...
You love us. that's why.

and You are a holy,
Holy, God.